This may be one of the toughest things I write because it truly exposes a piece of myself that isn't very pretty and hard to admit. Some of you reading this may already know my story here but I don't think anyone truly knows the ugly of it all. In 2002, I felt very unsettled in my life. My oldest son was about 14 months old. We had temporarily moved into an apartment while our home went through a mold remediation. My husband was traveling some with his job at the time. I just felt lost. As I laid in bed crying out to the Lord in prayer, I felt my eye begin to twitch. That sounds pretty simple, but it felt really off and out of the ordinary. I remember calling my mom and she advised me to go to the ER. With me having existing health issues, she wanted me to play it safe and make sure I wasn't having a stroke. My husband was tied up and couldn't get to me right away. The emergency room staff ran all sorts of tests. By the time my husband arrived at the hospital, my face was completely distorted on one side. The doctor's ruled out a stroke and relayed the message that it was "just" bell's palsy. They sent me home with a steroid pack and just said that it would get better with time. That was really the only explanation I got. I was young and naive about it all and didn't ask too many questions or seek out any other treatment. We really didn't know what else to do other than pray. It took at least a year to recover back to a somewhat decent smile if you could even call it that. In the midst of it all, my husband went into a depressed state. Though he said it wasn't due to what was going on with me, I always thought it was. I was convinced it was because I looked so bad, and I let myself believe that lie for many years. Navigating his depressed state and my own battle was one of the hardest seasons of our lives.
Though the Lord gave me peace for the day to day, I didn't take pictures for years. About a year later, our church had Olan Mills come in and take church directory pictures. Talk about a blast from the past right? I recall us going in to take pictures and then we would be able to see the proofs on the spot. As the photographer pulled up the proofs one by one, I just started bawling my eyes out. I saw my smile for the first time on full display in a picture. I ran out of the room leaving the photographer at a loss for words and my husband having to explain why. I remember telling my husband on the drive home how ugly I was. He just listened and let me cry all the way home and for a long time after. He always tried to reassure me that I was still beautiful and that he loved me. We didn't take another family picture again until my oldest was a few years older. When I finally decided to take a chance and do another family picture, my nerves were a mess. I had told the photographer about bells, and she told me that she could touch the photo up if I wanted her to. I decided against it and just trusted that whatever would be would be. That time around, I was actually satisfied with the photo. It wasn't the best picture of me, but it was good enough for me and I bought the picture for the first time in years. I was beginning to heal or so I thought.
Though I felt like I was moving forward, little did I know that this would be an ongoing battle in my life. I would look in the mirror constantly. I would critique every picture. I was and still am always thinking about it. I have questioned God. I love to smile always and wonder why did this happen to me? I have told myself to just get over it because other people go through so much worse. Why throw myself a pity party? You are a prayer warrior Hope so why are you even having such a hard time? Why are you spending so much energy on this? Why, why, why? Because even though this may seem small, it's a big deal to me. I do believe with all my heart that what is big deal to me also matters to God and He is way bigger than the big deal.
I did get a lot better for a while about not letting it consume my every thought. But almost twenty years later and that negative, ugly spirit roared back up again. In 2022, I felt like the bell's palsy was flaring up again. I got on a Facebook page for support, and I am not sure if it was the best or worst thing I could have done. I have since seen so many post their stories and part of me feels better knowing that I am not alone in my thoughts or feelings. On the other hand, my heart just cries out for them, and I feel so much compassion and gut-wrenching empathy because I know what it feels like to have this. I went through a time again where I would tell my husband that I felt ugly and that I would never feel pretty again. Some days I feel like I will never have any confidence back. I could see the pain in his eyes, and he did ask me to stop putting myself down. In fact, it was a heartfelt plea because he said it just hurts him to hear me talk so bad about myself. This man constantly tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am to him. It should be enough but sometimes the lies I let the enemy put in my head are just overwhelming. I have lived out every emotion with this. I have prayed to God that my husband deserves a pretty wife and why can't I be just that. I apologize to the Lord all the time because I don't want to seem vain and then there will be times, I don't pray at all because I feel so selfish. People go through worse things so get a grip Hope. I've had people tell me that I am not healed because I don't confess that I already am. Been there done that people. I have had doctors tell me that it was one of the worst cases they had ever seen. I have had people tell me that my crooked smile is cute. I don't think people mean any harm, but it is just a constant reminder that I don't look right. Yes, this is what plays out in my head quite often.
It is something I notice every single day. Yes, I do take pictures but what people don't know is that I always think it is a bad picture of me. I've gotten better of just accepting it when a picture is taken of me. I'm actually thankful for my camera happy friends. They definitely keep me in the picture and never think twice about it. I've tried harder to not overthink it and just post or let them post the picture. My youngest son also just happens to love photography and loves taking photos. He recently framed a picture of he and I that he keeps on his desk. What he doesn't know is that I despise that picture of me because my one eye is definitely not cooperating. I didn't ask him to take it down although it hurts a little each time I look at the picture. He doesn't see one thing wrong with it and that should be enough for me. It is also a reminder that we are always harder on ourselves than others are.
I wish that I had some great encouragement here. When I write, I always want to encourage and uplift as I share my life stores. I find it hard to do when it comes to this particular journey in my life because this is a daily battle for me. I am thankful for the peace the Lord has given me and continues to give me. This trial brought me to one of my favorite scriptures that I lean on a lot in life. Isaiah 40:31 "They that WAIT upon the Lord shall RENEW their STRENGTH; they shall mount up on wings as eagles; They shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." While I am still waiting for full healing in my face, I know the healing is mine if not today but one day for sure. I can trust that the Lord has given me all the strength and peace that I need. I have to thank Him daily for all the good in my life. There is so much good!
I write this now as we approach the holiday season. This is a time when a lot of photos will be taken. I am not looking for pity nor am I fishing for compliments. My heart is that you who are struggling with self-image would know that you are not alone. While you may see yourself as flawed, scarred, or broken, the Lord sees you with compassionate eyes and thinks you are beautiful. The creator created you in His image. I know that God could heal in a day if He so willed it, but I know that my healing has been a long journey and something I have to walk out daily. What I do know is that God can heal you from the inside out. He can replace your negative thoughts with the words He say about you. He can replace your insecurities with the confidence of knowing who you are in Him. He can create beauty from ashes. Every wrinklie line, every scar, every crooked place tells a story of who you are and how you have lived. That story could touch someone else's life. You are the clay, and He is the potter that works tirelessly to make you into something whole and beautiful.
Go easy on yourself friend. Be kind to yourself Hope.
Much love,
Hope
