It has taken me a while to process my thoughts on my health journey over the past year. I've come to the conclusion that the struggle bus is real and I have been on that bus for a while when it comes to my overall health. Growing up I was never interested in working out. I wasn't an athlete unless you count the one year of softball I played when I was younger that I probably should have continued to play. I don't think I ever worked out unless you count the fitness test in P.E. class. When the high school years came and you really cared about your looks, not much changed on this side of things. I did do a hundred crunches a night leading up to my Senior trip in Cancun. PSA, parents don't let your kids do that alone. Trust me on that one. I wanted to be bikini ready and so I thought crunches every night would get me there. Though I was much smaller then, I still wasn't one to be overly confident about my body.
It wasn't until I met my husband that he got me to finally take an interest in working out. I still can't say it is what I desired to do but you know when you are trying to make an impression, you tend to want to do anything to catch the eye and attention of your love interest. My husband was super active and still played every sport recreationally. I think I finally started working out at the YMCA when it was at the mall and an easy walk from Sears to there. I can't say that I noticed a huge difference in my figure. All I knew is I wanted to have pretty legs because my husband said that was one of the things he liked on me. I definitely wanted to keep those things as fit as possible. This is probably why I still like working out legs today. While I still wasn't some fit girl with a super toned body, I did get into a little work out routine.
After about a little over a year of dating, I started having stomach issues and swelling in my joints. I would wake up with crooked fingers and the pain was intense. Bryan would even have to help me get out of bed. I would pop 4 advil throughout the day just to get through work. I finally saw a doctor and because my mom had lupus, they began to test me for this. I officially got diagnosed with lupus at the age of 21 after being hospitalized for a week. At the time I had never been more poked and prodded than I had that week. However, that time would just be the start of an ongoing battle with my health. I don't even really like to call it a battle because I feel like I am healthy and it just seems like my body betrays me at times. Also, I have never had to tackle any of it on my own. I'm telling you ladies, if you ever wonder how much a man loves you just watch how he takes care of you through a major sickness. Bryan has always been my rock through these times.
Living with lupus has been frustrating at times but I feel I have managed it well with trying to keep my body as healthy as possible and with the good Lord by my side. I probably have had three major flareups since being diagnosed. The frustration sets in when my body wants to stop me from doing the things I want to do. I remember getting back into working out pretty regularly after having my first son. I was doing well and then started adding heavier weight to my routine and that sent me into a flare. It was too much strain on my body. So I began the whole push forward routine and then take ten steps back. This has been pretty much my story for a while now. I would be consistent in my work outs and then life would happen and I would get stagnant again. Then I would get going good and then put too much stress on my body and then I was starting back at square one. I am not sure if you ever feel this way, but I am constantly battlling my mind and body. I try to find the peace of knowing when to push and when to rest. Heck if I don't rest, my body will make me at some point.
This is also hard when you belong to a family of all boys who are active and constantly pushing themselves to the next level. I feel the need to keep up. I want to keep up. I want to be the fit wife and mother that can still go on all the daring adventures. I don't want to be the weak leg if you know what I mean. Now when I talk about being fit, please don't think I am asking to have a rock-hard body and look like a beauty queen. Although, that would be fine with me, I am talking about being able to go hiking with my family and not be on the verge of dying. I want to be able to enjoy my grandkids when they come along and take them on fun days without feeling like I can't keep up. So yes, I get frustrated when I have to sit out. Believe me I know there are people with much bigger health issues, and I feel very fortunate that what I deal with is manageable. I just want people to know that we all have our own health journeys and until we truly walk in someone's shoes, we really don't know what they are going through. May we all help carry the burdens of one another.
Last year was a big year for me. I wrote down goals for the first time in a long time. Danny Campbell who had been one of my trainers before shared about his fitness goals and the importance of writing things down. So, in 2022, I started that and accomplished a few and definitely had a lot I didn't reach. Mind you, I have had the same weight goal for about 5 years, and I have yet to reach it. I thought about doing a 10K that year but had a setback with hip pain. But for 2023, I was ready. I set out to do the Texas Bridge Series which consisted of two 10K's and one-half marathon all over bridges. I trained a whole bunch while still nursing a bad hip. This is that part again where I decided to push through the pain. An MRI showed it was just inflammation, so I decided to suck it up and continue training. I have faithful work out partners and friends who tagged along on my journey to make sure I was ready. I did all this while having a huge year filled with a lot of major events. We lost Bryan's Dad at the start of the year, then I had a graduating senior, and a son getting married. I remember feeling a little off and so I went to the ER right before my son's wedding with heart flutters and all checked out fine. They pushed it off as I was probably stressed and had been through a lot that year already.
So, I kept pushing. I have never pushed my body as hard as I did last year. Sure, I had some days where I felt fatigued, but with lupus that is pretty normal. I finished the Kemah 10 K in September and then the Galveston 10K in October. I was checking off my goals one month at a time. My husband decided to try the Spartan race in October after completing the Galveston race with me. Things didn't go as planned and he tore his bicep which forced a surgery to repair it. So training for the half had a little hiccup in it, but nothing we couldn't overcome. I remember the morning of the half feeling off. I just tossed it off to having pre race jitters. I had my husband with me who was still in an arm brace and was still determined to finish. So I settled the jitters and began the race. We had to go over the Fred Hartman bridge twice. On the second incline, I had to stop and walk because I just felt so fatigued and like my heart was pumping hard. That was normal right? I mean we were going over a bridge and I had never done a half before. It was supposed to be hard. When I got to the bottom, I caught up with Bryan. He asked me how I was doing and what my heart rate was. Listening to me tell him how high it was, he convinced me to just walk and run with him the last three miles. We did that and completed the race. I almost couldn't soak in the moment because I just felt so fatigued. I went to grab a slice of pizza that they were serving post race. As I bit into the pizza, my jaw locked up. Though I felt it odd, I just brushed it off to the fact that my body was tired and was probably telling me that it had had enough for the moment. Little did I know that jaw pain is a sign of heart attack symptoms in women.
We went home after that and just rested the next couple of days. It was the start of Thanksgiving break for me so I was taking it easy and had also scheduled a colonoscopy for the day before Thanksgiving. What was I thinking? So I prepped for that and everyone who has had one knows that isn't fun at all. The next morning I went under anesthesia and came out fine. That afternoon I started noticing a weird feeling in my chest. It wasn't pain at all just a strange sensation. I also had super achy elbows. Again, I just pointed it all to lupus and the common joint pain that comes with it. Thanksgiving morning me and two of my guys decided to run a little 5K from the house. I got about a mile into that run and I stopped. I just did not feel right so I slowed down from the group and walked the rest of the way home. I was able to eat Thanksgiving lunch with the family and just dealt with achy joints throughout the day. That evening, my husband had just dozed off and I went to get in bed and that is when the chest pain hit me. My elbows were in pain, and I could not get comfortable enough to lie down. We headed to the ER and though the EKG was fine they kept me overnight since I was having chest pains. The next morning, I thought they would just release me, but they came in saying that they saw some things in the bloodwork and some inconsistent readings in the EKGs that they ran overnight. I got sent to the hospital and long story short they ruled it a heart attack and I had to have a stent put in. You can imagine all of our shock to think that at 46 I could have this happen. Basically, they blamed it on bad genetics and lupus on top of that.
They complimented me on how healthy I was. They couldn't believe I had run the half the Sunday before with that much blockage. I was doing all the right things. Sure, I could have always tweaked my diet some but overall, I was taking care of myself. They said being active probably saved my life. I say all this because I want you to know that being healthy and taking care of yourself is a process. It can be hard knowing when to push and when to rest. It's hard knowing exactly what to do that fits your lifestyle and what will help you become a better version of yourself. Sometimes you can do many of the right things and still have issues. I totally understand because this has been me for a long time and I still don't have all the right answers. It is so important to listen to your body too.
While I was in the hospital, I was as positive as can be. I wasn't scared at all. I knew God was going to take care of me. Fast forward to a couple of weeks later, and a little fear started to set in. I started thinking about me dying and Bryan finding another woman. That made me mad. LOL! I told him I would totally haunt him. I was scared to run even after the doctor told me I was free and clear to do whatever I wanted. I knew the fear was just the enemy trying to get in my head. So once again, I had to push through and pray about it. I finally got back out there, and this week was my first time to run two miles. That might seem like a lot of steps back, but for right now I am good with that. Though right now I have no desire to run long distance at the moment and I really don't know what my health goals look like for this year, I am determined to just move my body. I also want to give myself grace on the days I just need to rest. My weight still doesn't want to come off and I am sure there are a lot of reasons for it too. I'm not willing to give up all my desserts just yet. I just want you to know that I ride that struggle bus often and if you do too, know that you are not alone.
If I want you to take anything from this it is for you to be kind to yourself. Push yourself because a lot of good comes out of getting out of your comfort zone. Pushing yourself also looks like pushing yourself to take a time out and rest. Moving your body and exercising your mind is always good for the soul too. Get some good accountability partners and friends who support you. Find a fitness trainer or mentor to help you out if you feel that is better for you. Find a healthy routine that works for you. Being healthy takes on a different definition for everyone. Overall, be encouraging to the person in the mirror that is starting back at you. If you are struggling, take your worries and fears and frustrations to God. He hears you always and will help you. If you need professional help, then take that step to reach out to someone qualified. The struggle bus is filled with people just like you and me. I am one of those people who may not know your name when you hop on, but I will always give you a smile and make room for you. I will cheer you on and wish you well and let you know you are not alone.
This health thing is truly an ongoing journey for me. I am thankful for my encouraging people along the way. I am thankful for the ones who hold me up when I am not strong. I am grateful for the good health that I do have and feel honored to carry the burdens for the people that do struggle. My faith helps me to keep going. I press on because that is what God calls me to do. There is purpose in our pain and there is victory that comes after our battles. If you are on the struggle bus too, please know you are never alone. I'm along for the ride with you and I hope we all cheer each other on when we feel we are strong enough to get off at the next stop.
Stay healthy friends in mind, body, and soul.
Hope
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