Thursday, October 17, 2013

The not so good side of me!

My goal in these blogs is to be inspiring.  I had to write this to get through some thoughts in my head.  I pray that in reading it you will see my heart through my transparency.

Have you ever had these thoughts? Where are all the good people? Where are all the loyal people? Where all the people who stand up for injustice? Where are all the people who look for me and wonder where I am at? Where are all the people who are praying for me?  Maybe it is just me but these things have been wandering through my head lately. I often wonder who are the people who genuinely care. Sometimes I feel like there are some who hug me in the front but when I walk away they secretly hope I trip and fall. They compliment my kids or my family and then secretly wish we would fail. They smile silently when I go through struggles in life. Very raw emotions, wouldn't you agree?  Sometimes I think it is just me being distrusting because I have been burned.  Or maybe I am being a little on the paranoid side.  I have found myself to be more guarded over the years because I want to protect my inner circle.
 So, lately I have been doing some soul searching. I have asked the Lord more and more each day to empty me of me and fill me with more of Him. The "me" that is inside can tend to be protective, defensive, and downright ugly. But everything in my spirit longs to be more positive and encouraging, more giving, more compassionate. I desire to be to be more like Christ. You see it is easy for me to encourage those who are easy to love. I can always be happy for someone that I know is genuinely happy for me. I can always entrust what is special to me, my children, to those I know truly love them.  But it is hard for me to be nice to the one I know talked about me last week.  It is hard for me to shout for joy when someone I think is selfish and uses people rises to the top.  It is absolutely gut wrenching to entrust my kids to people who I believe don't have honest agendas.  I know some of you may feel astonished by these words but I want to be real.  If we are honest with ourselves, we all have felt this way before.  But when I think about the Lord, I am reminded of His goodness to all.  His love has no boundaries. He doesn't have favorites.  The Lord set such a great example for us. He told us to pray for our enemies and love one another as ourselves.   He was gentle to even those he knew wanted to crucify Him.   He let a man walk, sleep and eat with Him whom he knew was going to betray Him.  I can't even imagine.  I would want to call that man out and justice to be served. 
But again, I am humbled when I think about the Lord and all of His ways.  For His ways are not our ways.  I just look at my ways sometimes and hang my head down and ask for forgiveness.  There are those times when I just want to call everyone out and make them admit their wrong ways.  But then I am convicted and have to turn the mirror on myself.  I can change me.  I haven't been the best person.  I have let many people down in my life.  There are friends I keep trying to meet up with and just can't seem to find the time to do it.   There are needs I have forgotten to pray for because I got too busy.  I have forgotten birthdays.  I have gotten caught up in drama and have opened my mouth when I shouldn't have.  I have lost people in my life who I miss and think about often.  Saying I am sorry hasn't always been easy for me.   My thoughts are not always pure. What I am trying to say is that I am a work in progress.  God is constantly having to work in me so that I can put out the good stuff.   I have prayed so many prayers for God to make me more like Him.  I have even asked that He just erase what is inside of me and just start all over.   But I am reminded that He created me in His image. He doesn't create ugly.   He refines me.  He purifies me.   He gives me enough love to fill my soul till it overflows and pours out onto others.
I still believe in people.   My passion is people.   I desire relationship.   I love to see people smile and encouraged!  I have a hard time letting someone go once they have come into my life.   I love going through the different stages of life with people.   Nothing is better than experiencing babies being born, vows being said, degrees being earned, championships being won with the ones you hold close to you.  I feel people's burdens.  I do pray for them.  If you could be a fly on the wall during my prayer time you would probably laugh.  I put it all out there.  I throw tantrums and act like a 2 year old sometimes during that prayer time.  But when I am done, I am comforted to know there is still a Father who loves me like a daughter.  He disciplines me when I act like a baby.  He talks to me like a friend.
This is not the best side of me and a side that I share with caution.  I am an average, everyday woman who seeks to be made whole by the only One who truly understands me from the inside out.  When I want to give up on people I remember that God didn't give up on me.  He blesses me with the relationships I have that are built on honesty, graciousness and love.  Thank you God for mercy because I sure need it.  Have mercy on the part of me that isn't so good.  Thank you sweet Lord that in You all things are made new.

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