It's A Big Deal to Me

This may be one of the toughest things I write because it truly exposes a piece of myself that isn't very pretty and hard to admit.  Some of you reading this may already know my story here but I don't think anyone truly knows the ugly of it all.  In 2002, I felt very unsettled in my life.  My oldest son was about 14 months old.  We had temporarily moved into an apartment while our home went through a mold remediation.  My husband was traveling some with his job at the time.  I just felt lost.  As I laid in bed crying out to the Lord in prayer, I felt my eye begin to twitch.  That sounds pretty simple, but it felt really off and out of the ordinary.  I remember calling my mom and she advised me to go to the ER.  With me having existing health issues, she wanted me to play it safe and make sure I wasn't having a stroke.  My husband was tied up and couldn't get to me right away.  The emergency room staff ran all sorts of tests.  By the time my husband arrived at the hospital, my face was completely distorted on one side.  The doctor's ruled out a stroke and relayed the message that it was "just" bell's palsy.  They sent me home with a steroid pack and just said that it would get better with time.  That was really the only explanation I got.  I was young and naive about it all and didn't ask too many questions or seek out any other treatment.  We really didn't know what else to do other than pray.  It took at least a year to recover back to a somewhat decent smile if you could even call it that.  In the midst of it all, my husband went into a depressed state.  Though he said it wasn't due to what was going on with me, I always thought it was.  I was convinced it was because I looked so bad, and I let myself believe that lie for many years.  Navigating his depressed state and my own battle was one of the hardest seasons of our lives. 

Though the Lord gave me peace for the day to day, I didn't take pictures for years.  About a year later, our church had Olan Mills come in and take church directory pictures.  Talk about a blast from the past right?  I recall us going in to take pictures and then we would be able to see the proofs on the spot.  As the photographer pulled up the proofs one by one, I just started bawling my eyes out.  I saw my smile for the first time on full display in a picture.  I ran out of the room leaving the photographer at a loss for words and my husband having to explain why.  I remember telling my husband on the drive home how ugly I was.  He just listened and let me cry all the way home and for a long time after.  He always tried to reassure me that I was still beautiful and that he loved me.  We didn't take another family picture again until my oldest was a few years older.  When I finally decided to take a chance and do another family picture, my nerves were a mess.  I had told the photographer about bells, and she told me that she could touch the photo up if I wanted her to.  I decided against it and just trusted that whatever would be would be.  That time around, I was actually satisfied with the photo.  It wasn't the best picture of me, but it was good enough for me and I bought the picture for the first time in years. I was beginning to heal or so I thought.

Though I felt like I was moving forward, little did I know that this would be an ongoing battle in my life.  I would look in the mirror constantly.  I would critique every picture.  I was and still am always thinking about it.  I have questioned God.  I love to smile always and wonder why did this happen to me? I have told myself to just get over it because other people go through so much worse.  Why throw myself a pity party?  You are a prayer warrior Hope so why are you even having such a hard time?  Why are you spending so much energy on this?  Why, why, why?  Because even though this may seem small, it's a big deal to me.  I do believe with all my heart that what is big deal to me also matters to God and He is way bigger than the big deal.

 I did get a lot better for a while about not letting it consume my every thought.  But almost twenty years later and that negative, ugly spirit roared back up again.  In 2022, I felt like the bell's palsy was flaring up again.  I got on a Facebook page for support, and I am not sure if it was the best or worst thing I could have done.  I have since seen so many post their stories and part of me feels better knowing that I am not alone in my thoughts or feelings.  On the other hand, my heart just cries out for them, and I feel so much compassion and gut-wrenching empathy because I know what it feels like to have this.  I went through a time again where I would tell my husband that I felt ugly and that I would never feel pretty again.  Some days I feel like I will never have any confidence back.  I could see the pain in his eyes, and he did ask me to stop putting myself down.  In fact, it was a heartfelt plea because he said it just hurts him to hear me talk so bad about myself.  This man constantly tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am to him.  It should be enough but sometimes the lies I let the enemy put in my head are just overwhelming.  I have lived out every emotion with this.  I have prayed to God that my husband deserves a pretty wife and why can't I be just that.  I apologize to the Lord all the time because I don't want to seem vain and then there will be times, I don't pray at all because I feel so selfish.  People go through worse things so get a grip Hope.  I've had people tell me that I am not healed because I don't confess that I already am.  Been there done that people.  I have had doctors tell me that it was one of the worst cases they had ever seen.  I have had people tell me that my crooked smile is cute.  I don't think people mean any harm, but it is just a constant reminder that I don't look right.  Yes, this is what plays out in my head quite often. 

It is something I notice every single day.  Yes, I do take pictures but what people don't know is that I always think it is a bad picture of me.  I've gotten better of just accepting it when a picture is taken of me.  I'm actually thankful for my camera happy friends. They definitely keep me in the picture and never think twice about it.  I've tried harder to not overthink it and just post or let them post the picture.  My youngest son also just happens to love photography and loves taking photos.  He recently framed a picture of he and I that he keeps on his desk.  What he doesn't know is that I despise that picture of me because my one eye is definitely not cooperating.  I didn't ask him to take it down although it hurts a little each time I look at the picture.  He doesn't see one thing wrong with it and that should be enough for me.  It is also a reminder that we are always harder on ourselves than others are.   

I wish that I had some great encouragement here.  When I write, I always want to encourage and uplift as I share my life stores.  I find it hard to do when it comes to this particular journey in my life because this is a daily battle for me.  I am thankful for the peace the Lord has given me and continues to give me.  This trial brought me to one of my favorite scriptures that I lean on a lot in life. Isaiah 40:31 "They that WAIT upon the Lord shall RENEW their STRENGTH; they shall mount up on wings as eagles; They shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."  While I am still waiting for full healing in my face, I know the healing is mine if not today but one day for sure.  I can trust that the Lord has given me all the strength and peace that I need.  I have to thank Him daily for all the good in my life.  There is so much good!

I write this now as we approach the holiday season.  This is a time when a lot of photos will be taken.  I am not looking for pity nor am I fishing for compliments.  My heart is that you who are struggling with self-image would know that you are not alone.  While you may see yourself as flawed, scarred, or broken, the Lord sees you with compassionate eyes and thinks you are beautiful.  The creator created you in His image.  I know that God could heal in a day if He so willed it, but I know that my healing has been a long journey and something I have to walk out daily.  What I do know is that God can heal you from the inside out.  He can replace your negative thoughts with the words He say about you.  He can replace your insecurities with the confidence of knowing who you are in Him.  He can create beauty from ashes.  Every wrinklie line, every scar, every crooked place tells a story of who you are and how you have lived.  That story could touch someone else's life.  You are the clay, and He is the potter that works tirelessly to make you into something whole and beautiful.

Go easy on yourself friend.  Be kind to yourself Hope.

Much love,

Hope

What You See

In this day and age of social media, it is easy to get caught up in other people's lives.  I am sure many of you get caught up in it at times just like I do.  Let's be honest, we can be over consumed by it too.  Sometimes it can take its toll and you just feel like turning off the noise in your life.  But I find it concerning that many of us think that what we see on the screen is how real life is.  The truth is life is not picture perfect or like the perfect post.  There is a lot of struggle in life.  There are a lot of hard core lessons we learn behind the scenes.  So let me just share my heart here.

What you may see is me smiling in some pictures and even getting in on an occasional selfie with a friend.  But what you may not know is that there was a span of time that I didn't take pictures at all. There is a story behind my crooked smile and lazy eye.  You may not know that I walked out crying on an Olan Mills photographer that was showing us proofs of our family photos because it was still too soon and the bells palsy hadn't corrected.  There was a lot of heart break looking at pictures and it took a lot of courage to start taking them again.  You may not know that I still look at each picture and critique it.  I know when I see some of those pics it looks like I was unusually tired that day.  It is so easy to look at some one's picture and think that everything is all good.  But we don't know what the true story is behind the smile.  Sometimes it may be a great picture that reflects happiness and other times there could be pain behind the smile.  Be aware and love on people anyway.  Love on the people who have tears in their eyes and love on the ones with a smile on their face too.

What you may see is my husband and I running a good business.  But what you may not know is the amount of prayer that went into that decision.  You may not know that we had no clue what we were doing.  And you never got to see us both with our heads in our hands, sitting on the front steps of that business, crying because the bank would only loan us a little amount of money.  We made it with that little amount of money and God's help.  There is a lot of grind that happens behind the scenes.  Even when things are going well, you have days you want to quit.  There are days you want to complain to the boss and then remember you are the boss.  You don't always see the love we have for our employees and how they truly become like our own kids or how it stings a little when they leave.
Sure we love our business and thank God for giving us the abilities to run it.  We are thankful for the grit and the grace.  Cheer your friends on through their struggles and their triumphs.

What you may see are pictures of my boys doing good things and rewards they may get. You don't always get to see a mom sitting on the floor in front of a bedroom door praying late at night over her kids.  You may not get to hear my prayers but I can honestly say they are said daily and nightly.  You may not know about the nights I slept restless because I just knew something was off with one of my kids.  Sure enough, you get a phone call from one of them confirming what you prayed about.  You may compliment their manners and character and I say thank you.  You don't know the many times I corrected them when they were little and reminded them to say thank you and yes ma'am and no sir.  You may see me defend them and present a united front in public.  But you don't know that I scolded them, told them to quit acting like a jerk, and that they were wrong in a situation.
You don't always see that they hurt my feelings because they didn't say I love you back.  You don't get to hear my prayers that call the good out of my kids and that speak God's word over them.  Raising kids can be tough.  Be kind to one another mommas.

What you see is me smiling and laughing with friends.  What you don't know is that I truly do love my friends and I think I am a pretty loyal friend too.  But I have been hurt by friends and I am sure I have hurt some of them as well.  You don't see that sometimes when I am out and about I would rather be at home and that I forced myself to go.  There are times when I am at home when I wished I would have been invited to go.  What you don't see is that I may be with someone you never thought I would be hanging with.  But you may not know that I decided to forgive them and start over.  What you may not know is that there are still friendships that hurt my heart because we aren't as close as we once were.  And there are some friends that aren't in my life and that is ok.  There are some friends that you don't see in a long time but you pick up right where you left off each time you meet up.  There are some friends who are family.  They just get you.  You don't have to have tons of friends.  You just need one or two.  Hold on to your friends, carry their burdens, laugh a lot and love them big.

You may see me serving in church and doing all the "churchy" things.  But what you don't know is that I didn't serve the Lord until I was much older.  I learned about all of the bible stores by teaching PreK kids in church.  The first time I went to children's camp was as a leader and I bawled like a baby because the experience was so overwhelming.  I felt like the kids blessed me more than I did them.  You don't know that I love old hymns and never tire of them because I didn't grow up listening to them.  You don't know that Bryan and I were very blessed to become part of a church where a Pastor loved on us and took us under his wing even when we were still living together and not making good decisions.  He is one of the biggest influences in both of our lives.  Had he snubbed his nose at us we probably wouldn't be in church today.  You probably don't know that we have been hurt in church and have hurt people too.  But we both know that doing life God's way is better than anything this world can offer us.  There are no perfect churches and no perfect people.  We have learned that the hard way.  But God loves imperfect churches and imperfect people.

You may see my life as good and I can say that it is.  I am thankful that I have a roof over my head and good health and an amazing family.  Bryan and I built this life together.  We both were working part time at Sears when we met.  You may not know that when we got together I think I was making around $6.15 an hour and he was making $7.  We made it with a blue couch my mom gave us and some bachelor looking coffee tables his brother previously owned.  We lived on love for sure.  We didn't argue much but when we did we made up quickly because there was only one TV to watch.
You may not know that there are days I just don't feel good.  There are days I am super fatigued but I refuse to let lupus take me down.  You see me running and working out but there are times when the doctor tells me not to.  There are times I get frustrated because I get on a roll and then my body tells me to slow down.  I am thankful for the people who run with me and even more for the ones who will slow down and walk with me when I need to.  You don't always see the fight in me that I have for my family.  I am a lover and not a fighter but I can get down and dirty in some prayer when I need to.
Be thankful for the good in your life and learn from the hard times.  When you get knocked down, dust yourself off and put your big girl panties on and pray.

I don't expect you to know and see everything about my life.  Not everyone is interested and not everyone needs to know every detail.  My point to all of this is that what you see about other people's lives is just a small excerpt from their whole story book.  You may not want to read their whole book.  They may not even let you.  Just know that there is a whole lot more to every one's story than a picture or a post.  We don't know what everyone goes through.  Be kind.  Be gracious.  Be giving.  Be encouraging.  Be real.
We don't see the history, the fight or even the future plan.  We can see the beauty in every person's story.

Graduation 2019

Today I packed the last sack lunch for my oldest son.  Yes, I have made his lunch every day since he was in school, give or take a few sick days.  In the beginning I alternated between peanut butter jelly or a ham sandwich with mustard only.  Then came the invention of uncrustable peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and my mornings got a little easier.  There was always an oatmeal crème pie in his lunch or a cosmic brownie, followed by a two cuties or one regular sized navel orange.  Then I would pick out his chips alternating between the different kinds except the sour cream and onion ones or plain lays.  Those always get left behind.  Throw in two uncrustables and the boy was set.  There were many days when he never said a word about it, not even a thank you.  Naturally, I would get mad some days and think how unappreciative he is of me and all that poor me stuff.  Fast forward to high school and I finally got the "thank you momma" quite often.  There were days when I thought I needed to stop doing it.  Maybe he will never learn how to prepare for himself if I keep doing it.  But you know what?  I really never minded and he really does know how to do it himself.  I am very confident that he will be able to pack his own in the upcoming years and maybe, just maybe, he will think about momma when he does.

As I sit here thinking about the next few days with graduation quickly approaching all I can think about right now is that lunch.  That lunch was always made.  He could count on it as he will always be able to count on mom and dad.  Now we have to send him off soon knowing that the Lord will be there always providing even when we aren't there.  On his life journey, his experiences may be different each day just like the flavor of chips.  But he can always count on the Lord's guidance and provision just like the peanut butter and jelly in his lunch.  The Lord will provide him with all of the nutrients and essentials he needs to thrive in this world.  Luke 24:12

This young man of mine did not come with instructions.  In fact, we have had many moments of frustration, disagreements, heart ache, triumph and trials.  I look at him and I can tell you every single flaw of his.  I know what pushes his buttons.  I know when he is giving a genuine or fake smile.  I know when he is broken down.  I know he can be the biggest jerk at times.  I know he speaks before he thinks.  I know the Lord has had to humble him at times but he never forgets to promote him when he is ready.  I also know what others don't see.  I know the good things he does behind closed doors.  I know some of his big dreams and deepest prayers.  I know he is troubled by injustices.  I know that when we give him advice he may take offense at first.  But he ponders on it and usually does what we have taught him.  I know that God talks to him in his own way.  I know he is a worshipper.  I know there is a fire in his soul and a desire to make a difference in this world.  I know he isn't going to be every one's cup of tea.  That used to worry me but not so much any more.  I pray God puts the people in his path that need to be there.  I hope he learns from his biggest critics.  I hope he finds his biggest cheerleaders and holds on tight to them.

When others have asked me for parenting advice all I can say is pray.  I truly believe prayer is the key to raising kids.  There are just some things you can't take to others but you can always take them to God.  Not everyone will understand your parenting decisions.  I learned a long time ago to never say never.  My kids aren't perfect and my parenting for sure ain't perfect.  There are things you will do with your kid and for your kid that I may not understand and vice versa.  Be confident in knowing that God picked YOU for your child.  He will give YOU all the grace, all the power, all the wisdom you need to raise that child.  I hope us parents can help each other along the way.  When I have failed I pray some of you are there to open your arms with grace and cover me in prayer.  I also need some of you to tell me to get a grip and the rest of you to be ready with comfort food.

This week of graduation has literally come way too fast.  Every one said it.  Every one said not to blink.  Well I did and now it's here.  I have stressed out and pigged out.  I am broke and worn out.  You know what else?  I am excited!  I am proud.  I am humbled.  But I keep coming back to prayer.  I write sticky notes with scriptures on them that I put on my kid's doors.  Each note has a scripture that came to me at different times in their lives.  They are still there after all this time.  I thought, being boys, they would take them down at some point.  But they have each come to me and asked for me to rewrite one that lost its stick.  I find myself a lot lately going to those doors after they leave and declaring God's words over their lives.  Put those prayers on repeat!  It's all that I know to do.

So my prayer for boy today is that he always knows who he is who he belongs to.  I pray he knows that mom and dad will always be here.  I pray he knows the voice of his heavenly Father above all else.  I pray he humbles himself because lessons in humility are usually not fun.  I pray he has the confidence to go out and change the world one person at a time but never forgetting where he started.  May he always remember the ones who sowed into his life, into his mission, into his dreams.  I pray he always opens the door for a lady and gives a firm hand shake.  I pray he takes his days of working at the feed store and remembers that you have to work hard to earn that pay check.  I pray he knows how to talk to people and how to speak up.  I pray he pays for some one's meal when he can because so many have paid for his along the way.  I pray he doesn't compromise his beliefs but learns how to be more compassionate and extend grace to others.  I pray he knows how to forgive and how to move on even when it's hard to let go.  I pray he finds the people who bring out his genuine chuckle.  I pray he keeps his toilet clean and that he always jams to some Michael Jackson.  I pray that he reminisces about the days that got him his last name on the back of a letterman.  But mostly I pray that he knows his name is written in the Lamb's book of life.

To the Class of 2019- When you put on that cap and gown and smile with pride knowing you did it, be aware that your biggest fans are sitting in the stands crying.  We cry because our hearts just exploded with a flood of emotions.  We are so proud of you!  For this day, we have prayed.  Forgive us for the times we didn't get it right because when we look at you we see all that we DID do right.  Yes maybe we want to read you one more story or pack your lunch one more time or take you to practice.  But mostly we want you to know that we believe in you.  You are everything to us.  We send you out into this world with your unique talents and trust you will make your mark on this big planet.  When they call out your name to come across the stage, we will yell out "that one is mine."  But Lord I know you will be saying "I knew them first."  Jeremiah 1:5

Congrats to all of the 2019 Graduates!

Good bye Football, Hello Future!

Well I can't believe it is here.  We are nearing the end of football season.  We are almost at the end of your days of participating in High School sports.  Man, where did the time go?  This momma doesn't want it to end.  We have shared so many memories and have met some of our closest friends along the way.  We have enjoyed the fans and some have become life long fans of yours.  I can't say I am ready to turn the page just yet.  Deep breaths...

I remember when you were born, and we knew we were having a boy, there was never a question that you would play sports.  T-ball was first and your Daddy was so excited to be out there coaching you.  Then the other sports followed.  You played everything from pitcher to short stop to running back to quarterback to point guard in basketball.  We always thought you would play it all.
Of course Daddy's favorite sport was baseball and it stung a bit when you came to us in 5th grade and said you didn't want to play it anymore.  Nonetheless, we let you make the decision and made you tell your coach on your own.  You handled it and just like that a chapter was closed.

But we still had basketball and football and even track.  Daddy still got to coach you some until you outgrew his skill level.  I sat and watched and cheered you on. I have washed numerous uniforms, and have taken many road trips.  I had to make a 10 hour drive with one of our favorite families to a national tournament for basketball.  I wouldn't trade those moments for anything.  I have yelled at you, yelled at refs, tried to calm your Dad down when there was a bad call.   I have disciplined you when you were in the wrong.  I have chewed you out when I thought you weren't giving it your all.   I cringed seeing your tears when Daddy was a little too hard on you.  You always took it like a champ.  He could always bring out the best and you and it made you the player you are today.  You have had some amazing coaches along the way but I think Dad is the best coach you ever had.  He is your life coach.

Then one day you decided football was going to be it for you.  This would be the game you would love to play.  I will admit it was hard for me.  I still want to see you on a basketball court but you continue to show me that you can make your own decisions about your life and you turn out just fine.
But why choose one of the roughest sports when you are one of the smallest bodies out there?  This sport has delivered you a surgery for a broken finger, one concussion, a swollen knee, staples above the eyebrow, numerous turf burns, a fractured heel and back sprain.  With each injury comes a story.  The story is your story.  We have seen God move in you through these times and in your life.  We have watched him carry you through the times you had to sit.  This sport has made you a tough young man.  I have watched you get hit so hard it makes my stomach turn.  I have watched you take a little longer to get up at times, but you still got up.  I have watched you high five your teammates when they make a big play.  I have watched you mentor the younger players coming up after you.  I have watched you be frustrated but still give it your all.  I have felt every touch down, every catch, every drop, every fumble.  I have tuned out the people hollering at you from the stands but also have smiled when they cheer you on.  I have sweated so much sitting in the blazing sun during 7 on 7 tournaments and have frozen my behind off sitting on cold bleachers.  I have woken you up on game days with a loud "Game Day" yell.  We have played game day songs.  We have played everything from ACDC to Johnny Cash to War to Bob Marley.   We have made game day breakfasts.  Daddy has helped you learn to tie the perfect tie so you can look sharp for game days.  Game days require a sharp dressed man.  I have sent a game day text to my fellow mommas every game day since you started school sports.  I have waited up till you got home from the game just so I can put my eyes on you to make sure you are good.  I have to see those eyes to know.  Son, I have had the time of my life watching you play a sport you are passionate about.

While it is almost the end of your Senior year of football, I can only look to your future.  God has shown me that there is so much more to you than just football.  Even though I wouldn't trade these moments I know they are just one small piece of your life.  You really can change the world.  I am most proud of your character.  You may not always make the right decisions and you may not always say the right things.  But I know and God knows that you are destined for great things.  I have seen you on stages talking about your faith.  I have seen you around kids and humbling yourself knowing they look up to you.  I have watched you lead a crowd.  I have watched you stand strong even when the crowd was against you.  Your path is guided by the Lord and I know you look to Him.  I have had many great discussions with you about your faith.  You will impact kids as you decide to make that a career path.  Me and your Daddy will continue to be there every step of the way.
So go after your future and grab someone along the way and pull them up with you.  Work hard, stay humble.  Remember to be still and listen for God's voice.  Don't be afraid to make tough decisions.  Learn from your mistakes.  There is a time to sit and a time to move.  Learn from the sitting times.
Greater is He that is within you, than he that is in the world.
Son, it doesn't end here.  This is only the beginning.  Another chapter is closing but I am ready to read the next one.  If it has you in it, I am there.  I always will be.

But first...Let's go kick some Manvel booty!  Playoffs 2018!  #Seniors19

I haven't prayed

With all that is going on in the world today I thought I needed to make a confession.  You see I am a prayer warrior.  I love to pray with people and for people.  I am that person who will pray for you if you ask me to.  Now I have to admit I may not say some long prayers or spend hours locked up in a prayer closet, but nonetheless, I will pray for you.  You can bet on it.

But I have to let you in on a little secret.  I realized today that I hadn't prayed in a week.  There I said it.  I said some prayers for others here and there but I didn't open my mouth for myself or my own family and a whole week had passed.  I just gave up.  The truth is I am tired, exhausted, busy, and just stagnant.  This just cannot be and I am ashamed to admit it.  It's the ugly truth.
At a time when my kids need the most prayer and my husband needs my prayers, I just don't have the words to utter.  Surely God knows my heart and he knows what I need before I even ask him.  But I don't even have the common courtesy to tell him hello.  I may have given him a casual and nonchalant "thank you" here and there but what happened to my deep conversations with God?

All I see is chaos in the world right now and occasional bursts of chaos in my own home.  I can't help but think about the praying moms out there.  Maybe y'all are better at this than me.  Maybe you are on day 256 of your bible reading plan and haven't missed a beat.  I was doing good and then I opened my app and had missed 5 days in a row.  And I can't stand to have a missed day notification so I cram all 5 days in and don't truly reflect on what I just read.  It's all a blur.  Does anyone else ever feel this way?  This is reality people.

There are so many things going on in the world today.  And I know everybody says it requires action and not just prayer.  I am not being political here.  I totally agree but I think the first action we must make is to pray.  And it starts with us moms in our own homes for our own families.  Ladies we hold so much power in our family.  We have such big hearts and wide spread arms to love our families and to hold them in times of need.  God crafted us to be meek and kind but he also made us to be bold and strong.  Sometimes we have to dig our heels (whatever size you choose to wear) in and stand for our husbands and kids in prayer.  I know I have to put my big (bigger than ever) girl panties on and pray.  I know I have friends and family who have my back but they don't live in my house each day.  I have to fight for my family.  I have to pray for their protection from such an evil world we live in.  I have to pray for favor in the decisions they make regarding their futures.  I have to pray for the boldness to defend my family of unwarranted attacks that come against them.  I have to pray for the grace to not totally go psycho on my kids when they act like fools.  I have to pray for my house to be a house full of joy and love and peace.  This is my house and God gave me this life and blessed me with these humans that live in it.  I can't fall asleep on my watch Lord.  I just can't.

There is no better time to start than now if you haven't ever started.  We can't wait till all is quiet and calm in our home.  We have to pray NOW!  And it doesn't have to be a fancy prayer full of all the right biblical terms.  This is just an honest conversation between you and God.  It has to come from the deep down places of your soul even if that means an emotional outburst.  But we simply can't afford to sit back and wait for someone else to pray for our family.  I am never shy about asking for prayer from some of my biggest prayer warriors when I can't do it myself.  However, I know my own family better than anyone else.  God chose me and all my flaws and gave me all the words I need to pray for my loved ones.  Yes it was so much simpler when they were younger and I was tucking them into bed each night.  Things were easy when we recited the usual children's prayers.  But they are older now and things are much more real.  The things this world throws at them requires some different types of prayers.  It requires a momma who is willing to kick off her shoes, if need be, and get down in the thick of things no matter how dark the situation is.

I know some of you may be saying "Hope I have tried this and it doesn't work."  I have been there too.  I don't have all of the exact answers as to why bad things happen to good people.  I have prayed countless prayers for protection over my kids and one continues to suffer injury over and over again.  I have prayed for direction over our futures and have not gotten any clear answers.  I have prayed for clarity and still made wrong choices.  Mommas, I truly understand.  But when I have prayed I have put my soul at rest.   My confidence comes from knowing that God and I have talked and he will work on my family's behalf.  He will see the work he started through to completion.  Bad things may still happen but God will work ALL things out for our good.  I may cry and throw a temper tantrum but at least I know my heavenly father is listening.  Open your mouth Hope.  Mommas, open your mouths.

Each of us has our own style and our prayers may not sound the same and that's how it should be.  Some of you whisper tenderly while others may let out a shout.  You know your home, set the tone for it, and possess the words to be spoken over your family.  God didn't choose anyone else but you to be the wife of your husband and the mother of your kids.  Don't let the enemy get you so busy and so tired that you forget to open your mouth and pray.  I am talking to myself here.  It's time for me to stand again and that may require some kneeling too.  Whatever position you choose to pray from it just starts with a humble heart and an open soul.  We've got this moms!  Ain't no devil in Hell that can take on a praying momma on a mission with God on her side.

If momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy...no truer words have ever been spoken.

Summer of 2017

And just like that, Summer is just about over.  School starts in just a couple of weeks and I will now have a 7th grader and a Junior in High School.  It just doesn't seem possible.  I don't envy my friends sending their babies off to college or starting their senior year.  My heart is with you all that are having to do that.

This Summer has been full of lots of things, mostly good things.  We got to play some football and basketball.  Christian loved going on the Missions trip again.  It is always a life changing experience for him.  Bo is determined to go next year.  Both boys enjoyed youth camp and Bryan and I had a week to ourselves. It's a brief glimpse into what life will look like without kids around.  We have talked about what hobbies we may try to take up so that we can have things to do when the kids leave us.  He mentioned golf and I mentioned dancing.  Bryan was quick to tell me he wouldn't be spending every weekend at the club.  This was quite comical to me since I can't remember the last time I have been to a club.  Don't ask me how many times I went when I was younger.  Of course, I meant salsa lessons or something along those lines.  We are getting better at taking time away from our kids even if it is just for a day.  20 years together and 18 years married, we are still working on this crazy, wonderful life we live and created together.

This was the first Summer that my oldest has been a full time licensed driver.  I have to admit, I pray often but I really do like that I don't have to chauffeur him around anymore and he can help with little brother too.  With all of that responsibility has been a whole new learning curve for mom and dad.  We have had to establish rules which we never have had clear cut ones.  Bryan and I do well as a team in deciding what's best for our kids.  However, I am much more the worrier and want to put down rules to give myself some sense of security.  Bryan's rules are much simpler: Be respectful, be careful and you know what we expect.  I mean, that's it?  Like I said, we work better as a team.  I think the hardest part has been raising the teenage boy.  Sure, we haven't dealt with much drama or emotional meltdowns at certain times but the struggle is still real.  The hardest part for me in raising boys is helping them become the strong men they need to be to lead their homes and raising them to still be submissive to authority and kind and compassionate.  It sounds easy but not so much when you have strong boys.  I have had many moments where I wonder "who raised these kids?"  I always have this fear of raising jerks so when one of mine gets that tone, I take it personal to the extreme.  I have to choose my battles at times too.  I have to let my guys talk when they are ready and then be careful not to ask too much because then they shut down.  It can be tiring trying to figure out what my move should be.  This is why I think the best thing a momma can do is pray and when you pray, you call out the good things in your kids.  Though they may act like the devil, you call out the light inside of them.  You remind yourself of the joy you had in your heart when they were born and the promises God gave you for them.  You see them at their best even when the worst may be spewing out.  And don't ever stop praying for their friends.  Their outside influences enter your home whether you physically allow them to or not.  When you pray for their friends you get to see a strong bond develop and you can be confident in knowing the circle will rise and succeed together.  Mommas, don't ever stop praying!

This Summer, we also decided to do some updates to our house.  It's amazing what a fresh coat of paint and some new decor can do.  I am no decorator and my house hasn't been spruced up since my mom initially helped me years ago.  Thank God she was there to help me then.  Surrendering to the fact that decorating is not my strong side, this time I asked the help of a great lady with an eye for such things.  She came in and used some of my old stuff along with some new things and basically brought me to tears when I saw the final product.  It may not be as fancy to some but to me it was a fresh start.  There were a couple of old pieces that had sentimental value to Bryan's family that I never knew what to do with.  So one hung in the garage and the other in my laundry room.  She took them and gave them purpose with refurbished frames and mounts.  I have always been honest with you guys in telling you that I feel the Lord talks to me through my experiences.  So seeing these old pieces being made new again spoke volumes to me.  God always has something new for you.  It doesn't matter how old you are or where you have been hiding, God's mercies are new every day.  Dust off the old.  Open your eyes because you never know who he will put in your path that will call out the good in you.  Sound silly?  Maybe so, but it speaks to my spirit.  I will be 40 this upcoming year.  Some may say that is old and others may laugh and call me just a baby.  But you would think as I approach 40 that I am more comfortable in my own skin.  While most of that is true, I am also going through a transition.   Am I smart enough?  Am I pretty enough?  Am I healthy enough?  What dreams do I have?  What new thing can God do in me?  The truth is he can do something new in me.  And I can do something new for someone else.  You may be the dusty old picture hanging in some dark place.  You think you will go unnoticed forever.  But open your ears and your eyes, because God can send someone along the way who will pick you up and see the beauty within you.  You may be the one who needs to find the light in someone else.  Don't hesitate to share with someone their worth and what they mean to you.  You may be the person they need to call them out of the darkness and into the light.  We all have purpose.  Ask for it, seek it and knock.  We have not, because we ask not as the scripture says.

I am not a bible scholar nor am I the perfect Christian.  I am a momma, a wife, a daughter and a friend who is trying to figure this life out just like you.  I mess up daily.  Some days I like to believe God helps me correct my mistakes and other days I think he must say: be careful, have respect and you know what I expect.  I am so thankful he makes all things new even at 40, well almost 40.
Enjoy the rest of your Summer friends and family.
Summer days drifting away...

Confessions of a boy mom

So it has been a really long time since I have sat down to write.  Honestly, I have gone from crazy, to super stressed, to just being still.  Recently I feel like that is what the Lord has been saying to my spirit.  "Be still and know...".
Life hasn't changed much really other than the boys are another year older and I am about 20 pounds heavier than I want to be.  But recently I have been all up in my feelings.  I have been that emotional girl.  I have been that crazy wife and I have definitely been THAT mom.  And in my house full of boys, it is not easy being the emotional one.  I am all alone in that department.  Oh the joys of being the only lady in the house.  And I use the word "lady" very cautiously.
I have heard it said that it is harder to raise a daughter and how you worry more with a girl.  So let me preface what I am about to say with this.  I do not have a girl and I don't know what it is like to raise one so I won't pretend to know exactly how it is with a girl.  Parts of me wish Bryan and I had a little curly haired girl running around but it just wasnt God's plan.  And we agreed to not keep trying to figure out God's plan.  Instead we ended up with boys.  We ended up with two testosterone filled, stinky, strong willed, competitive boys.
So as a boy mom I need to get my feelings out.  This week has been crazy!  My boy's birthdays are one day apart with 4 years in between.  I have one who is on the verge of shaving and the other who just got his license.  I have been completely distracted by trying to do the parent taught driving thing that I didn't even realize my 12 year old has facial hair.  He needs to shave soon.  But now that I see it, I am just in denial.  It's baby fine, no one else notices it.  Or do they??  I refuse to have any part on making the call on his first shave.  I am a mom in complete denial that the baby is growing up.
But this does not compare to the driving thing.  So when we signed up for the parent taught driver's course, I was all about it thinking Bryan would show him all of the ways of driving.  I hate to drive.  If I was rich I would have a chauffeur.  Little did I know, I would be with my kid the majority of the time.  I could not stomach the whole process.  I panicked and yelled.  We would often get in fights on the way somewhere and then have to fake a smile as we got out the meet someone.  Why did I get stuck doing this?  Fast forward almost a year later to his 16th birthday.  I stressed all week that my paperwork wasn't in order.  Then I looked at Bryan and said "He isn't ready!".  Bryan said "Well if he isn't ready by now we are in trouble".  I prayed the whole week and even more so the day of his test.  Needless to say he passed with ease and we now have a licensed driver.
Now we start a whole other set of rules.  To be honest, we are learning as we go because we have never had to set firm rules.  Oh and then there is this need for me to try to control things even more because I am afraid of losing control.  I know I am sounding a little crazy.  Then if you have a strong willed child you know you have to tread easily.  You want to maintain control without totally killing their spirit and what makes them unique.
I am confident most of the times on the way I have raised my boys but still question my mothering skills just about every day.  I wasn't prepared for the feelings I would have when they go to meet a friend's or girl's parents for the first time.  I get a pit in my stomach knowing there is someone looking at my son thinking they may not be good enough.  And mom's of girls I can only imagine this is how you feel and no boy will ever be good enough.  I so understand because I am sure this is how my parents felt.  But I can promise you we are trying.  I pray that my boys are respectful and act like gentlemen.  I hope they hold the door open and compliment her when she looks nice.  I hope you know that they have goals of their own and that we would never want them to hinder your daughter's goals.  But I can't promise that they are always thinking about them as I watch them giggle like two year olds watching Sponge Bob or playing a video game with their fellow stinky friends.  I can't promise that they won't ever rev their engine or make a rut in the yard or leave their trash out.  Bryan and I will do our best to raise Godly young men who will one day love your girl the way Christ loves the church.  This is a work in progress and consists of daily prayers.
I also never knew how much I would love my boy's friends.  They are like my own.  I feel like I have many sons.  They will make you laugh.  They will fart in your car.  They will take off their shoes and you will think you have died and gone to hell. They will insult each other, laugh and get over it as to where I would be in tears.  I have prayed for those boys by name.  I believe in praying for the kids who surround mine.  This is an important circle for you to know and pray for.  Who is speaking into your kids lives?  Who are they running to Whataburger with?  Who is in their truck? Who let the dogs out?  Just kidding on that one.  Seriously though, there is something about the male bond that us girls will never truly understand.
My last thing to say is this.  I want to raise strong boys who are courageous and can stand in the toughest of times.  I also want them to be meek and humble.  I want them to know that they first must seek God's kingdom.  My boys are blessed with the best earthly father but there is no father like God.  I pray they know His voice.  If they know His voice then in the moments of temptation just maybe they will hear His whisper.  Mom and Dad won't always be around so they have to know the voice of the Father.  Though I would have loved the sweet tenderness of a girl, I am learning to embrace the valor of my boys.  Don't know if I am tough enough to handle all they throw at me, but I sure am building some muscle.  "The Lord is my refuge and strength..."

Love all my girl moms.  And to my fellow boy moms, take cover in the battle zone.
God is raising up a great group of boys and girls!